Disengage

To disengage from something/someone through conscious choice.

The choice of title reflecting the intentional decision to randomly divide the face into individual studies in order to portray, or at least hint at, an underlying narrative of my neurodiverse disengagement that occurs if I become sensorially overwhelmed in specific situations. Furthermore, at the point of initial creation my intention was to create a feeling of physical disengagement through emotional disconnection thus reflecting a social awkwardness but also an ability to intensely focus on a specific subject rather than human interaction.

However, as I write I find myself frustrated as my mind fails to engage with the subject matter - I feel emotionally disconnected from the piece as it now feels unfinished. I want to go back in and create a linear sketch of a familiar fungi - the familiarity both creating a point of connection between the portrait and my specialist mycological subject but also a space of safety in a piece that feels unnerving and even haunting due in part to the fact the face is not evenly divided into eyes, nose, mouth etc but rather it is segmented randomly with no specific pattern or reason being obvious or indeed present. The lines on the photograph were drawn not with a view to the aforementioned initial narrative but merely in consideration of compositional elements - emotions were removed from the decision making process to be replaced by an almost logical and scientific process. I specifically wanted the individual sections to become small unconnected pieces of work that could be seen singularly without their companions or reconnected within the minds eye as the larger piece.

However, post-drawing I find myself also intrigued by the decisions to use both colour and monochromatic palettes particularly as unintentionally I have started to create or work with negative imagery. The eyes in particular are arresting but created problems as using purely black and white took me out of my comfort zone into unknown territory - it felt frightening and disconcerting to the extent that colour was re-added: the colour for me created continuity within my work but also a 'safe space' on which to immerse and calm the mind. The same could not be said for the lips, which I am desperately wanting to go in and adjust as something seems 'off' as I write - I need to critically analyze in daylight to see whether my discomfort stems from the soft palette against the black/white background or whether the shape, form and maybe even shadows need adjusting. The lips are perhaps also not helped by the skin tones on the right hand side as my usage of a restricted colour palette of yellow ochre, Payne's grey and a little Prussian blue, crimson, soft white and a touch of lemon yellow needs refining and further study once more to create more realistic and less haunted, almost deathly tones - the skin in this section would not look out of place at Halloween and henceforth my specific noting of the exact colours here for future Gothic themed pieces!

The fact that I have started to stray into a negative image impression was unintentional but it begs further exploration within the next self-portrait particularly if it creates the opportunity to push artistic boundaries once more and see whether the intra-active becomings that occur from within the sense of personal self and that of the artistic self, even if emotionally disturbing, and that of the materials used can create impactful resolutions that strengthen proposed narratives that are open to viewer interpretation. My instinct was also to use secondary colour palettes i.e. orange, green and purples but small trial sketches proved unsuccessful to the point of embarrassing due to their naive and child-like appearance hence their non-appearance in this blog! Research does show that these colours can in fact be used to potentially create my fair skin but at the point of writing this may be something I need to put some time aside in the coming weeks to fully explore as I push this project beyond the initial 12 in number.

However, I digress so going back to the negative image concept the fact that it has emerged, or started to evolve within this piece with no specific intent brings me to question whether it is as a result of intra-actions of the differing co-constituents or whether it is a manifestation of subconscious thought processes? How much is the subconscious of either the artistic self or personal self impacting upon the intra-actions of the physical elements and entanglements that are occuring within the artistic processes or are the manifestations another co-constituent body with its own agency? can the subconscious be even said to have agency? By considering both questions there is the potential for the title and narrative of the piece, as it stands without the intended addition of the fungi, to change dependent upon how the viewer considers or perceives the question of subconscious agency within the parameters of the intra-activity occurring during the creation of the work? the questions I ask are not requiring an answer but rather creating, not interrogation or inquiry, but simply philosophical pondering.

Does the pondering of these questions even mean the title of the piece, 'Disengagement' is apt? are the elements of the face in fact disengaged from their physical counterparts or are they in fact disconnected due to emotional disruption caused by the neurodiverse, personal or artistic self? the concept of these inter-linked but separate 'selfs' I explored within an earlier blog which in itself creates a sense of continuity within the self-portraits but also an underlying connectivity meaning that maybe the elements of the face are definitively disengaged rather than disconnected as the emotional connection remains.

Footnote: .... the addition of a naively drawn to the point of childlike amanita mushroom for me, personally but with an artistic critical mind, hits a spot of interest, raises the intrigue or a multitude of other cliches. I want to go back again and refine the stipe (stem) and add a little more shading on areas of the cap that are attainable without disturbing the hair further - as a point of note I redid two sections of hair in the top right and middle-left so that the red colouration showed through adding a sense of depth.

The artistic self critiques each area as I see errors of form, or hue - small details that I am used to tweaking until I am happy. The lips still require further attention, as one example, but I know I have struggled with shape and achieving even an element of realism - I see the white/grey in the centre bottom lip needs refining but the white highlight maybe what is 'off' as it draws attention rather than conceals them. The chin also needs correction on the shading and I feel almost like wanting to apply a blurring powder i.e. a make-up item to soften the areas that are shouting out at me - the personal self wants to interrupt the artistic self and consider this from a differing perspective or point of view. And yet I also want to restrain the tweaking, to pull back, and let the errors stand - if there is a line, shape, space, or value that appears out of place or colour that is too saturated I want to leave it as these flaws appear to draw the eye around the individual sections seeking out connections or even perhaps rhythm through the usage of marks and tones. I feel tonight, 24 hours further on from when I first wrote this blog, that an internal battle is happening between the differing selfs - I feel a deep need to disconnect from the piece in order to view it objectively rather than subjectively but question whether the subjectivity of my personal self with its emotional connection can become disengaged sufficiently to enable the logical neurodiverse self work in combination with the critical artistic self?

However, I have viewed the work objectively by critiquing the areas that idealistically require correcting but in doing so I have missed out on my immediate emotional reaction to the work: initially my idea was just to add a simple linear fungal form which in this case was to be simply drawn in red and white, with touches of black where appropriate. However, as I added these lines I let my instinct run free and hence colour was slowly added - it is this colour that caused an emotional reaction, one of an immediate pique of fascination and noticing how the addition of the amanita changed the viewing experience and perspective of the piece. I question whether the disengagement or disconnection, as in truth either description could apply depending on personal perspective of a narrative, could in fact be changed to that of disconcerting - the piece feels unsettling and uncomfortable whilst also creating a deeper impression of connectivity. The academic self contemplates whether artistic rendition of the fungi and the separated face articulates our human-fungal relationships or, and I come back to this again, the intra-actions that are occurring between the differing separate bodies that work as co-constituents to create the piece or more specificall here enable its evolution? is the face, i.e. my actual face, and the original amanita muscaria also co-constituent and are in fact part of the entangled agencies creating the ability to act, or more specifically to create the ability to create a resolved piece of art? both entities in combination with others to create the original photograph but the relationship extends and becomes entangled further through what could be termed artistic intra-active becomings? the addition of the amanita reminds the viewer of the primary artistic specialism of the artist creating a sense of continuity and inter-species relationships but it also potentially speaks of the entangled agencies, of the entities that are intra-acting upon one another through the emerging relationships. Something which is now becoming clear, as I keep coming back to the concept of intra-action, is a need to take the time to read and deepen my knowledge of this Baradian term as I can see how I am using similar repetitive phrases to consider philosophical enquiry but even by this acknowledgement there is a new relationship emerging from within entangled agencies or entities.